The Part of Me that I Won’t Miss

A part of me died, again.

It’s an exciting thing now, really, after I mourned it. I used to respect that part of me. She was a bit of a martyr. She continually chose the harder road, the hardest people, and the biggest challenges, because she thought that this was noble. She didn’t really care to listen to the Holy Spirit in the matter, but simply to pay some kind of penance to the past, a suffering she thought she deserved.

She didn’t line up with the gospel, you see. It’s one thing to pick up my cross and follow Jesus, it’s another to pick up a few extra crosses along the way, to suffer a little extra. Made this “freedom” thing He gave us more complicated than it should be.

If it is for freedom that He set me free, this part of me had to go. She didn’t quite believe in freedom, but rather in the affliction bits.

Sometimes we are quick quick quick to blame the devil for our perpetual poor choices, when really he’s busy bothering someone else. This was all me… well… a part of me: my affliction magnet.

Do you ever wonder if you have a magnet inside you for unfortunate events? Check yourself for the false belief that the harder road is the more noble road. Not talking about the narrow path of Jesus here, not talking about listening and obeying His voice here, obviously those are things we are called to do. And sometimes, He calls us to do the hardest things imaginable, He does.

But listen close… if He’s not telling you to do those things, instead He’s telling you to drop those burdens and pick up freedom…. and a part of you RESISTS that…. IT’S IN YOU, the magnet.

Affliction magnets want to pay penance, and it’s only fair, right? The logical part about it is that there are so many religions that tell you that you should pay penance, because the sin has not yet been dealt with according to their belief system.

Yet, according to our GOOD news, Jesus has indeed already dealt with the punishment part. The cross was brutal, and our Gospel says it sufficed. You don’t have to look for extra ways to punish yourself, or to earn righteousness. So when God asks you to drop a burden or give it back to Him, no part of you should relent in doing so. That’s flesh, and flesh… well, flesh dies.

And so, I’ve parted with this part of me, yes? The one that chose the broken bits to match my own broken bits? The part that felt uncomfortable at the table of God, and more comfortable on the ground, eating crumbs? The part that expected an increase of suffering, and doubted the completion of joy? Bye. Won’t miss that. Not mad about it.

It’s taken me a bit of adjusting, because I was off-balance without it. How do I stand up straight with this much freedom? This is, frankly, more freedom than I ever wanted or asked for. I’ve been continually tethering myself to burdens, and finding my identity in the struggle, thriving to find joy in the middle of the chaos I’d created for myself. And now? Free as birds.

-Moving to Atlanta at the end of this month, leaving Gainesville {glory hallelujah, love big cities, will blog more about this soon}.

-Bethel Atlanta starts next month and I can’t wait to learn and to meet so many new people.

-Going on two road trips until then. Gonna see the ocean and mountains.

-Working a bit extra, gotta support my adventure habit.

-Lots of Phylla House calls, and possibly merging with another ministry, because why stand alone? I’m not alone!

-Getting rid of most of my stuff, to make the journey light.

-I dyed my hair red and got Zoey bangs {funny blog about that coming soon}.

I am living the free life God has for me. He may put me on a harder road in the future, and I will obey Him. But for now, it’s… easy… peaceful… restful… fun… exciting… light.

The part of me that wasn’t okay with that is gone.

The rest of me is dancing.